Simple Rules to Not Get Heartbroken When You Lend Books
10 Easy Steps to Sharing Your Favorite Books with Others
If buying more books is the easiest thing for a book lover to do, lending them out to others may be the hardest. We spend a lot of time (and money) building up our libraries. It is only natural that we get protective of our collections.
But maybe you have a friend who wants to dive into a series you've been following or perhaps there's a book you want a family member to read. Often, we'll just say which book to read and leave the conversation at that. We may not even think of loaning them the copy we have in our own library.
Our anxiety around lending out our books is often out of fear of what could happen when the books leave our possession. We know how we take care of our books. Sometimes you worry that other people won't show your books the same level of respect.
Trust is an important part of any relationship. As a book lover, there's nothing more enjoyable than sharing the love of a particular book or author with another person. And being willing to share one of your own books with someone demands just as much trust as sharing any core part of yourself.
To be capable of trusting other people requires a mutual understanding between you and that person. Ground rules—spoken or otherwise—need to be established. Trusting someone with your books is no different.
To help you get started, I'm going to give you the ten rules I follow when lending books out to others. While reading this, think of ways you can apply these rules within your own social circle. By the end of this, you should feel more comfortable about loaning your books to your friends and family (or at least, you'll have some concrete logic to not feel guilty about not doing so).
Rule #1: Never Lend Out a Book That You Can't Easily Replace or Repurchase
A lot of times when someone asks if they can borrow a book, they'll want to read a new or recent release that they've heard about lately. Maybe it’s a sequel in a series that you've been following or something you just picked up from a bookstore that you've been raving about. Not every book is like that.
If the book you're being asked to lend is out of print, that raises the stakes of every rule that follows on this list. If your book gets damaged or lost and is no longer being printed, you'll have a harder time finding a replacement copy, the older your book is. And if you do find an available copy, it might be more expensive than you can afford.
Depending on what you regularly read, it’s likely that much of your library will still be in print when someone asks to borrow something. But if the book you wish to lend is a few decades old, it is worth taking the time to search online to see what it's currently selling for.
If you're unable to find it on any online stores, consider checking the publisher's website.1 If you're unable to find any places where you could acquire another copy of the book and you only have one copy, then kindly decline all requests to lend it out to others.
Rule #2: If You Took Notes in the Book, Archive the Notes First
Speaking from experience, there is nothing more agonizing than lending out a book you took notes in and never getting that book back. The notes you leave behind in a book are a snapshot of who you were at the time of reading. Even if you think to highlight or underline the same passages on each successive read-through, you'll resonate with the text in a different way. The connections you make between the text and everything you've experienced will be distinct to that specific moment. That makes losing those notes painful. Like losing a treasured photograph, you have lost a version of yourself that cannot be recovered.
As with the first rule, only give out books that you can easily replace. If you've made notes in your book, it would be wise to archive those notes externally before lending the book out to someone.
I write down my annotations on note cards. A single highlight in a book gets its own note card with a page citation. You could also write your comments and highlighted passages in a notebook or type them in a notes app, like Notion or Obsidian.
Regardless of how you do it, the most important thing is to ensure that your notes live somewhere beyond the pages of your books. Once you've archived all of the notes in a given book, then that book is ready to be lent to others.2
Rule #3: Don't Give the Borrower a Deadline
Not everyone has the same amount of time for reading as you do. What may take you a couple of days to read, might take another person weeks or maybe even months. When you lend your books to other people keep this in mind: however long it takes someone to finish a book is however long it takes. That is okay.
The last thing you want to do is place unnecessary pressure on someone to read a book and then bring it back to you. You've already gone out of your way to give someone something as precious to you as a piece of your library. They understand how important that is to you. What you don't want to do is hinder their experience with the book by pestering them about their reading progress or asking them when you can expect the book back.
If someone is asking for a book that you know you'll need by a certain date—for a book club or, if you're a student, a class you're taking—then you're better off not lending the book until those specific dates have passed and the borrower can read without any burdens. Any pressure that a person may feel to read a book you lent them can either compel them to read it faster than they would otherwise or possibly paralyze them from reading the book at all.
Patience is critical when it comes to both reading and book lending. Give the people you're lending to the time and freedom that they need to read your books on their own terms.
Rule #4: If Your Relationship is Rocky, Don't Lend the Book to Them
Not following this rule is one of the easiest ways to never see some of your books again. Whether it's a friend, family member, or romantic partner, if you sense your relationship is on a downward trend, be highly cautious about lending them any of your books—even if they are insistent about wanting to read the book.
Unfortunately, like a number of the rules here, this one is born out of personal experience. I once had a former romantic partner that I kept in touch with on a friendly basis for a few months after our breakup. One day when we were out to lunch, I suggested that they read a few books that I just finished and happened to have in my backpack.3 Then, the pandemic hit. We talked less and less and any efforts I made to reach out for my books back have been met with radio silence. We have since moved to different areas. I never saw those two books again—one of which was annotated.4
There's an argument to be had that sharing the love of a good book (or books) could be enough to strengthen a relationship in decline. I support this view. Speaking anecdotally, however, I find that you'll save yourself some heartbreak if you either buy this kind of person the book you would've lent or just refrain from lending the book at all.
Rule #5: Be Gracious, But Hold Them Accountable
Books are material objects and, like all things material, will go through a gradual decay. Even the most pristinely kept paperback will see its sharp corners begin to soften, its spine form a crease or two. Books read and read often will show signs of being loved and being loved hard.
When you lend your books to others, be comfortable with the book not coming back exactly as you handed it off to them. If it comes back with a tiny tear on a page, be gracious. Such damage, while unfortunate, is not to be equated with someone ripping a giant gash across a page or having ripped a page out entirely.
I say this not to claim that every bad thing that happens to your books must be ignored, but to emphasize that there are just some negative events that aren't worth making a fuss over. You have to impress upon your borrower that they must take care of the books you've lent them—as with all things you must only lend to those people whom you trust.
Forgive the tiny tear, but rebuke the rip. Carry on with the small stain, but pause at the water that warped pages. Books are physical objects and have a physical lifespan as all things do. Be gracious when it comes to the small changes that happen when they're lent out, but hold the borrowers accountable so that any damage that happens to the book is kept to a minimum.
Rule #6: Share Your Rules About Annotations
If you're anything like me, you annotate your books. Whether it's highlighters, pencils, or sticky notes, your books may be marked up and made even more personal by their addition.
Now, in line with Rule #2, you should be mindful to archive your annotations before lending them out. But what about lending out to people who also annotate books?
This rule pairs with its immediate predecessor in that you must establish ground rules on what your borrower is and is not allowed to do with your books.
Do they dogear/fold page corners? Do they leave sticky notes on important sections? Do they read with a pencil or paper in hand?
It is a rare individual that will let someone annotate a book that they've annotated themselves. If you are that person, you should let your borrower know what they are and are not allowed to do with your books.
It's not unreasonable to tell the borrower that, if they wish to take notes on your book, they should do it externally—via a notebook or notes app. Like borrowing a book from a library, this form of note-taking is the ultimate display of courtesy to the book owner. This is especially true if the lender is accustomed to taking notes in books themselves.
Some annotation methods may be allowed if they do not leave any lasting damage on the books themselves. Such methods can include sticky notes that do not leave residue on the pages or page markers, like book darts, that clasp onto pages and can be easily removed. Just make sure to make it clear in advance what methods the borrower is allowed to use.
Rule #7: Never Lend Out Autographed Books
I don't know who needs to hear this: but if you've gotten a book autographed and it is your only physical copy of that book, not only should you never read that copy, but you should never lend it out for other people to be read.
My father taught me by example that if you want to get a book autographed, you buy two copies of the book—a copy to be autographed and a copy to be read.
The damage that occurs to a book over time by the very nature of it being read drives down the value of an autographed book. Aside from the monetary implications, an autographed book simply presents better if it is kept in as pristine condition as possible.
You wouldn't wear an autographed sports jersey. You shouldn't read an autographed book either. And you especially shouldn't lend out an autographed book for someone else to read.
Rule #8: Remember the Borrower is Entitled to Their Opinions
Just because you've lent out a book you liked to someone else, doesn't mean they'll like it as much as you have.
We live in a time of polarized opinions in all aspects of culture. In such an environment, many of us have become harsh to criticism of the things we do like. The irony is that being able to look at something one likes with a truly critical eye is one of the highest forms of praise to be given to that thing.
When lending out a book to someone, know that their opinions on the book may differ from your own. With a receptive mindset, this can lay the groundwork for deep and meaningful discussions on the book itself.
So be open-minded, be kind, and be receptive. Embrace your differences in opinion and use them as the foundation for a more meaningful relationship with the text and with each other.
Rule #9: As These Rules Apply to the Borrower, So Do They For the Lender
The whole point of this experience is to lay the groundwork for sharing more books you love with more people in your life. This means not only laying the grounds for what the borrower understands their obligations to be but also cultivating your own mindset to be receptive to the differences the borrower brings to this relationship.
If you're borrowing books from someone else, they may have their own rules for what to do with their books. Those rules may be similar to your own or they may be different. Regardless, it is vital that you follow their rules for their books as well as or better than they follow your rules for your own.
Rule #10: If All Else Fails, Buy Them a Copy
If at the end of this list, you've exhausted all of the rules above and still can't bring yourself to lend them a certain book, and they still want to read it (and it’s not at your local library), buy them a copy of the book yourself.
If it's truly that important to both of you that you both have read a certain book, this act displays a great deal of intimacy in itself. It will not only deepen your relationship with this person but can be yet another motivating factor to ensure that they read this book.
It's also an opportunity to support local and independent bookstores near you. Buying books for your loved ones from independent bookstores not only supports local businesses in your area but can open yourself up to new book shopping experiences that just buying the book on Amazon or at a chain bookstore doesn't offer.
Lately, if I can't find a copy of the book I’m searching for at my local bookstore, I first go to Bookshop.org to search for it. If I manage to find it there, I can select my favorite local bookstore in my area (if they happen to be an affiliate), and then a selected portion of my purchase goes back to funding my favorite bookstore.
This is not a sponsored post for Bookshop.org, but I mention them here as I strongly believe in their mission to support independent booksellers around the world. If you want to check out what independent bookstores are in your area or have a certain one in mind that you want to order your books through, check out Bookshop.org's website to learn more.
Conclusion
Hopefully, the above ten rules have given you the guidelines you need to start lending out portions of your library to the fellow book lovers in your life. Sharing your love of books can be one of the most rewarding and gratifying experiences you can have. With any luck, you'll be well on your way to sharing your favorite books with others. Let me know how well these rules work for you in the comments below and share this article with anyone hesitant to share the contents of their own library. This might just change their mind.
Happy reading!
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Possibly reach to the publisher via email for a confirmation that the book is still in print, as a last resort.
It goes without saying that if you don’t have notes in your book at all, then you can ignore this rule.
For those wondering, the two books were Malcolm Gladwell’s Talking with Strangers and the first volume of the manga Cells at Work by Akane Shimizu.
Hence, the origin of Rule #2.
Thank you for sharing Glasp, Bryce!